On This Journey.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to look at your current state in life and think “Yeah, this is all a part of God’s plan for me.” Just the other day, within a 3 hour period, I learned that a close friend had died and made the huge decision to not return to Murray State University this semester. After some prayer and talking to my parents, I decided that it would be best if I went ahead and took the semester off with the goal of working on my life spiritually, mentally, financially, and physically.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts on this blog, you know that I have not had an easy road to get where I’m currently at. It’s hard to see myself as anything but a failure at the moment.

This last Sunday night during a worship service, the college pastor leading the service asked us all to take out our phones, put in his number, and text him a number on a scale from 1-10 defining where we believed our spiritual condition was. I texted him a 3. I’m not even really sure if I deserve a 3, but that was the number I felt.

The night before that, I broke down while spending time with one of my best friends, and she is actually the inspiration for me writing this, although she doesn’t know it yet. I sobbed about how I felt like I was worthless, how my depression was a chain holding me from crawling out of bed most mornings, how my confidence was an iPhone battery on 1%, and how I was so angry with myself for getting into the position in which I currently find myself.

Romans 8:18 says, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Proverbs 18:10 says, “The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Psalm 31:24 says, “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.” John 16:33 tells us that God has overcome the world. Psalm 16:8 reminds us that with our eyes on the LORD we WILL NOT be shaken. Proverbs instructs us to trust the LORD and to not lean on our own understanding. I could go on and on quoting God’s Holy Word because the God I serve has not left us alone.

I read these verses and I sing songs that say “Jesus, you make the darkness tremble,” and “I’ve seen you move, you move the mountains, and I believe I’ll see you do it again,” but I STILL find myself forgetting the hope that we have in God. I forget that He is a God that moves mountains, breaks chains, and casts out darkness.

It’s so hard to look at my circumstances and think “This is a part of God’s plan.” However, that is the boldly spoken truth. God’s plan is perfect and He knows so much more than I could ever imagine knowing. So I look at my situation and pray. Among all the chaos, hardship, and mistakes, God is still present. God still loves me and He is continuing to mold me into the person He desires me to be.

If I’m constantly watching the storm raging around me, I will forget that I serve a God who can calm every storm. If I stand here paralyzed by fear from the fire surrounding me, I will forget that I serve a God who can bring me through the flames unburnt. If I keep getting distracted by the flood that seems to be drowning me, I’ll forget that I serve a God who can walk on water.

So here I am at 3 o’clock in the morning writing this post, listening to a song that sings “You are good, You’re good,” remembering that God IS so good. I will continue to worship the Creator as long as I have breath, because although it’s hard to see, I am right where God wants me to be. I’m not failing, I’m going through the journey that He has set out for me, even when I feel like I’m crawling because I just went into a fist fight with a bear and forgot my fists at home.

My prayer is this: God, shine Your light in my life so brightly that it illuminates even the corners where the darkness tries to hide. I thank you for the constant reminders that I am loved beyond belief by a God with an unfathomable grace. Thank you for a love that refuses to let me fall too far, and for always being right there with Your arms open to welcome me when I turn and realize I’ve been running away from You. I will praise You in this storm because I know that You are the one the seas and winds still answer to. 

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